how to stop comparing yourself

“I didn’t ask you to be HER, I asked you to be YOU. – God. ”

I love this quote. I love the special feeling it gives me of feeling secure, loved and unique. It’s easy to read a beautiful quote, but living it out in real life is an entirely different story.

We live in a culture where we can’t help but compare ourselves. A culture of over-stimulation. With social media its all about how many ‘followers and likes’ we receive. And based on how many we receive, that is the key ingredient to making one feel accepted and loved. For some, social media is used for business, but for a vast majority of us, it makes us feel valued the more attention we receive from those that love us as well as those that don’t even know us.

On the other side of this, as we are feeling valued (or not valued) depending on the response of the world, we are also admiring, feeling jealous, and comparing ourselves to others. I believe there are two ways you can compare yourself to others. 1. You feel superior to them. OR 2. You feel inferior to them. And this all depends on each individual’s reason behind the comparison, but both are equally damaging to your joy and peace.

It was none other than Theodore Roosevelt who stated “comparison is the thief of joy”. Ain’t that the truth. Comparison consumes us. Comparison is exhausting. Think about it. Trying to become someone that you are not and that you will NEVER be…that’s exhausting. Trying to run and catch up with someone in their lane when in reality, you will never actually catch up to someone else’s lane because it’s THEIR lane, not yours…that’s exhausting. Or if you’re not catching up but rather feeling you are superior, how exhausting is that to keep telling yourself or others about all the reasons why you are better, and then the negative state that puts your mind in. The pride that involves takes work. Regardless of however you compare yourself, it’s exhausting.

The Bible talks to this subject reminding to you stay in your lane. Galatians 6:4 says: “Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.” If we are always focused on what other’s are doing, how can we put all our attention to our unique calling and work? If you focus on you and what God has set before you, then there will be no need to compare yourself to others.

What if you have yet to walk into your own calling because you are so focused on walking in someone else’s calling?

Jeremiah 29:11 –  “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope”.

God has a specific plan for YOU and you won’t accomplish that plan by looking at others. He has a specific plan for you as well as a specific plan for that gal you compare yourself to at the gym, or that gal in your office, and the gal that seems to have the perfect relationship. Their plan is different from your plan.

Mine and yours goal should be to look at ourselves and only ourseles to become better at the calling we are currently placed in. Our goal should be to look more like the person we are called to be everyday. The perfect example of who we should aspire to be like is Jesus. Jesus who was a living human in the flesh and the perfect example to compare ourselves to. 1 Corinthians 11:1 Paul (the apostle) says to “be intimators of me, as I am of Christ”. He is the ultimate one we should compare ourselves to and try to intimate.

Perhaps you feel lost right now as you are in the middle of a career change, or going through a breakup, or just graduated college and not sure what to do. EMBRACE this season of your life exactly where you are rather than looking at what others are doing. When I decided to leave the financial industry and become a stay at home wifey, I embraced every second of being the best wifey I could be. When I was single, I embraced every second of it. Afterall, I would eat an entire pizza by myself on a Friday night with NO ONE around me and I embraced that fully with no shame haha. Stop comparing yourself to the girlfriend who just got engaged while you are sitting at home alone on a Friday night. EMBRACE it. You are ONLY you, and you are ONLY going to be you and everybody is on a different path. Right now, I have the outside pressure of having kids. I get told I am getting older and told that I am far behind the rest of the world. Well, says who? God knows the plans he has for ME, for ALISHA. My plan is going to look different than YOUR plan. Trust God for YOUR life, don’t trust in someone else’s life.

Here are some practical tips that have helped me on this journey to compare myself less.

1. Take inventory of what is in your life. One of the best words of wisdom I ever received that truly resonated with me was the first month my husband and I started dating. We hired a nutritionist coach for 6 weeks. She told us that whatever it is that we are eating that “if it doesn’t nurture you or nourish you, then get rid of it”. And you can take that an apply that to any area of your life.

  • what in your life isn’t nurturing or nourishing you and causing you to compare yourself?
  • Is the reality show you are watching you nourishing or nurturing you or allowing room for you to compare yourself to others?
  • Is social media nurturing you and making you feel good or bad about yourself causing you to compare yourself?
  • Is that friendship nurturing or nourishing you or are you comparing yourself to her?

2. Know who YOU are. Not what the world says about you. The world will tell you that you should weigh this much, or look like the models in the magazines, or you should dress that way, or have this career or that career. Perhaps some of the closest people to you have belittled you in the past and compared you which could be THEIR truth and although hurtful, it’s not God’s truth. Remember God created you, not men. I encourage you to seek the Bible for the truth about you. Psalm 139:14 says that you are “fearfully and wonderfully made” and that you are a “masterpiece” (Ephesians 2:10). The God who created the earth we live in, created YOU as a masterpiece. Let that sink in.

3. Control your thoughts before they control you. Philippians 4:8 says ‘’fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” If you are like most gals and look at your body or appearance and beat yourself up, it’s time you take control of your thought life and “take those thoughts captive”. (2 Corinthians 10:5) This is a very hard habit to apply. Gratitude is such a big factor in your thoughts. Finding the things in your life to be grateful instead of comparing your life to others is a great habit I try to implement daily. In order for these thoughts to not consume you, you need to take captive the thought first before it enters your heart and becomes a part of you. “As a man thinks, so is he”. (Proverbs 23:7)

Remember, there is only one you. And it takes up so much exhausting energy to be someone you were never intended to be. You cannot pursue your path when you are trying to be on someone else’s path that wasn’t designed for you. You have a custom designed path that God created that only YOU get to walk on. EMBRACE IT!

Alisha Headley3 Comments

love is more than a good feeling

It’s wedding season. I feel like everyone around us is getting married. I LOVE weddings. I love dressing up, dancing, and paying attention to every detail at a wedding. I found my best friend and married him 18 months ago and I planned our entire wedding from beginning to end, down to the minor details like the color of the forks. I didn’t want any help from friends or family as I took on the project solo wanting to own it from beginning to end, and I can truly say I loved every minute of it. I had never planned an event before but it turned out exactly how I envisioned it.

I also love LOVE. Hopeless romantic? Sure. This past weekend, we attended a wedding for my husband’s college roommate in the Washington DC area (as seen in the picture above)  and I cried during the entire ceremony. I love being loved and I love to love others with all that I am.  

I just love LOVE.

But what does love look like AFTER the beautiful ceremony and honeymoon? How does it look during everyday life?

There are many examples of love in some of my favorite movies I’ve made my husband dreadfully watch with me haha. My top three love stories are easily the Titanic, the Notebook, and Aladdin. All stories of relentless love. I experienced a similar love story with my husband. He courted me, he pursued me relentlessly, and proposed to me after 94 days of being my boyfriend. My husband has loved me in a way that I didn’t think was possible except for the love I saw in the movies. He loved me for who I was, accepted all my past and current inadequacies. He sees my flaws and scars as beauty in his eyes. He loves me for the things that I wasn’t even sure I loved about me. He loves me through all my crazy moments even though I denied ever having a crazy side to me haha. He not only loves me at my best, but loves me at my worst. He loved me every time I broke up with him on a weekly basis because I was scared that our love story was too good to be true. Through his actions, he has shown me that his love for me is greater than his own selfish desires as he puts me first in all his decisions.

I am grateful I have a partner in life who loves me through it all.

Perhaps, you have not yet found your partner. Or you have a partner, but don’t feel loved. Or perhaps you don’t love yourself, so therefore it’s hard for you to accept that anyone truly loves you.

It is not until you feel the love of God, that you can truly love others with an unconditional type of love. There is a love that surpasses any earthly love and this love is from God himself. The maker of you. The maker of this earth, heaven, and skies.

Do you know the Bible is just one huge love story of God pursuing the lives of His people? If you don’t read the Bible or understand Scripture, I encourage you to dust off the dusty pages of your Bible and read a love story that is unlike any other.

God himself loved his people, both you and I, SO MUCH that He sent his very own son, Jesus, to die for us. I would have a hard time parting from my favorite pair of heels, let alone a child? He sent His son to not just die for us, but to be humiliated, tormented, beaten down, rejected by his own disciples, and hated on by thousands. Only so that he could be hung on a cross to die. To die for OUR salvation. The Bible isn’t just a history book, it is a LOVE story. It is prophesied of what has happened and is to come in the future. It’s the guide that we have at our fingertips to light up our path as we live our life here on earth and prepare to be reunited with our maker.

John 3:16 says “ for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes I Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

I used to think God was scary. It’s true. I used to believe that God was a God to fear that if I messed up, I would be condemned. I spent a lot of my life actively running away  from God. I was ashamed of my life everytime I messed up and afraid to pray thinking I was always in trouble. Do you ever feel that way?

All my life I was running away from God, yet all my life He was chasing after me.

It wasn’t until I realized through reading God’s word of the Bible that God is SO NOT that God that I once feared. He loves us so much that even when you think no one knows WHO you really are behind closed doors, that God knows and he STILL LOVES YOU. Girls – he STILL loves you. NO MATTER WHAT. He still loves you even though you’ve chased after fleeting attention from men in a pursuit to feel loved. He still loves you even though you had that abortion and can never forgive yourself. He still loves you when you mess up everyday by being impatient with your kids or lying to your loved ones. He still loves you when you idolize things above Him. He still loves you even though your ex boyfriend never did. He still loves you if you have cheated on your husband and feel so much shame. He still loves you even if the world doesn’t love you or the man you are with doesn’t prioritize you. God LOVES YOU. No matter what you’ve done, what you are currently doing or hiding, and what you are going to do in the future. His love never fails. I Corinthians 13 is all about the characteristics of love and it starts with God’s love toward us: “God’s love – suffers long and is kind. It doesn’t envy or behave rudely. God’s love doesn’t think evil towards us and is not looking out for Himself. God’s love bears all things, hopes for all things, and endures all things. God’s love never fails.”

It NEVER FAILS. No matter what you do or don’t do in this life.

Our God is the most loving and forgiving and gracious God. ALL HE WANTS IS YOU. He has been pursuing you your entire life even while you were pursing your own worldly desires. And ladies – people will fail you all your life. Your family and even your very own husband. But just as God loves us, we are to also love those He has placed in our lives. We are commanded to “love others, because He first loved us.” I John 4:19.

It’s extremely easy to love those that are easy to love, but after the wedding and honeymoon are over and life hits you in the everyday life, it is in those moments that you are to continue to love even when you don’t think that person who loved you is loveable. God loved us first and is the perfect example of love and forgiveness. And because He loved us first, we should love others with the same type of love.

And ladies – please start with loving yourself first. We have all made mistakes, but if you can’t learn to love and forgive yourself, how are you going to love the Lord and love others? You are so loveable. God knows every detailed yet tangled part about you from the inside to the outside appearance. Your heart and your body. Jesus was once questioned and tested by a lawyer when asked what was the greatest commandment of all time. Jesus replied saying in Matthew 22:37 that the greatest commandment was to “ love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.

How do you love someone you have just met or perhaps you haven’t encountered God yet. In order to love someone with your whole heart, you need to spent time with that person. Every day, every morning, throughout the day. Spend time in the Bible learning about WHO God is and His character and just how much He loved us from the very beginning. God is already with you, RIGHT where you are RIGHT now just WAITING to hear from you, his daughter. James 4:8 says “draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” He’s waiting, and is so excited to hear from you, because he LOVES YOU with a love unlike any other. Open your heart, and let the maker pursue you and experience His love.

Alisha HeadleyLeave a comment

is anyone truly happy?

Is anyone TRULY happy? I don’t ask that question to be a pessimist. Anybody that knows me knows I’m happy go lucky and miss positive pants as I try to see the positive in every situation. Due to the fact that I’m always smiling, I once had someone ask me if people from Utah (where I’m from) smile a lot. Sure, this person who asked me was from the cold city of NYC where no one smiles and most people look miserable. But yes, I’m happy. Sometimes it’s annoying to those around me because even on a bad day, I try to find the good in it. Am I always happy? Of course not. Am I a relatively positive happy person? Yes.

But does one ever attain pure happiness?

I don’t believe anyone truly reaches a state of “happiness”.  Nowhere in the Bible does it state we are going to live a life of happiness. In fact, the Bible says we find JOY when we are in suffering. James 1:2 says “when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.” Another version says “consider it PURE joy when trials come your way”. It doesn’t say when all is going well you will find joy. No, it says you can find joy when sufferings come. WHAT? That totally contradicts what the average person is striving for in this life…happiness. Most of us equate happiness to a life of NO problems and NO suffering of any kind. A few synonyms of happy are untroubled, satisfied, overjoyed, and euphoric. It is completely opposite of what scripture tells us.

People are always striving for that one “thing” to be happy.

  • If I can just find a husband, then I’ll be happy.
  • If I can just get that ring, then I’ll feel secure.
  • If I can get a certain dollar amount in savings, then I’ll feel better.
  • If I can lose 20 pounds, then I’ll feel confident.
  • If I can have a baby, then I’ll feel complete.
  • If I make this amount of money, then I’ll reach success.
  • If I can just get that job, then I’ll be happier.

Are you ever TRULY satisfied once you obtain that one thing? For most of us, we obtain that one thing, and live in the happiness in that moment, but then what? It only satisfies you for a moment, temporarily. We live in a world where we are never satisfied. Why? Because none of it truly satisfies you. It may satisfy you in the moment, but it’s not enduring.

John 4:13-14 tells the story of the Samaritan women who looked to be fulfilled and happy in all the wrong places. She was with man after man, and living with another man currently that was not her husband. Jesus told her “whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst.” This world will leave you unsatisfied and it will all die and fade away. God is freely offering for you to drink from the cup of living water, that is everlasting. Not only is it everlasting, it offers us forgiveness for our past, redemption, and a new life where we will still undoubtedly be living in this world, but we will “not be of this world.” (John 17:16) We no longer have to be striving for the same empty unsatisfied things that leave us thirsty for more.

What is happiness to you? Take a look inside and ask yourself if what you are striving for, is it lasting? Or will it leave you thirsting for more?

Was I on a complete euphoric high when my husband proposed to me? Absolutely. Was I content and at peace on my wedding day when I married my best friend? 100%. Am I happy when I eat a slice of pizza? Without a doubt haha.

I believe we experience many moments of happiness in our life.  And we can all be happy as we look at what’s ahead. Right before Jesus in his human flesh was about to be hung on a cross, he “for the JOY that was set before Him endured the cross”. (Hebrews 12:2) He knew the pain he was about to experience (the pain of dying on the cross after getting beaten down physically, ridiculed publicly, and having one of his very own disciples betray him) was surpassed with the JOY that was ahead for him sitting at the right hand of the throne of God.

What a joy that I can sit in confidently knowing that one day I will be in Heaven where there is nothing but perfection…PURE HAPPINESS. No more tears of any kind. No more feelings of emptiness. In fact, it’s a promise. A promise that one day, we will reach perfection when God and his army comes back for us. Revelation 21:4-6 says “God will wipe away every tear from your eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away….”I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts”.

Talk about HAPPINESS! No more tears, no more pain…no more what ifs, no more acceptance or lack thereof, no more worry, no more anxiety, no more sadness…rather JOY! And it’s what lies ahead for all of us gals. It’s PROMISED. (and hopefully pizza too…mmmm pizza)

Alisha HeadleyLeave a comment

letting go of what was

I’m sure you’ve all heard the word FOMO (The Fear of Missing Out). According to the Urban Dictionary, it’s defined as the ‘fear that if you miss a certain event, you’ll be missing out on something great.’

I’m sure we have all experienced FOMO at times by simply scrolling through our social media and seeing others doing amazing things such as traveling, shopping, or simply getting out of the house with friends. Meanwhile, you could be at home with your kiddos cleaning after them not even having enough time to take a shower. I’m not a mom yet. However, to all my mamas out there, I give you MAD RESPECT.

For myself, I never knew this idea of FOMO to be a real thing until I experienced it two years ago.

Two years ago, I made the decision (along with the support of my husband), to leave my corporate career to be a full time retired stay at home wifey and to pursue my writing passions. I made up that long title and constantly add titles to myself. Why? Because I can haha. From CEO of our family…to the brand ambassador and event coordinator of our social life…these are just a few of my titles and they are constantly changing.  In addition to making that decision to be a full time stay at home wifey, I planned to pursue my writing passions and creative side. I’ve always had a heart to work with women and I really felt God calling me to close the chapter in the corporate world and so I did. I was ready…but I had NO idea the emotions that would come up for me during this time.

Prior to turning into a full time stay at home wifey, I had my dream job as Vice President for an investment firm out of New York City. I worked hard to land it and it was everything I wanted. My identity was not found in my career, but it was my life as I was able to mix business and pleasure often. I traveled, I visited my girlfriends all over the country, experienced all kinds of events, and the best part was I worked from home so I could work remote from the beach, or work at any coffee shop in any state I felt like being in. I made my own schedule and I truly loved what I did.

I made the decision on my own to walk away and start a new chapter, yet FOMO kept creeping in as I would see my husband travel and work in the same financial field I once worked in. From day 1, I have supported my husband and I truly feel he is one of THE BEST there is in this financial services industry for so many reasons. I feel blessed to have the best seat in the house watching him thrive. Yet, I often found myself feeling left out. It was not due to his success as we are a team and he has always treated me that way. Rather, I felt left out of attending events that I once used to. Left out when he had major wins on a daily basis meanwhile I had no wins except that I did the laundry and ran errands for us that day. Left out that he worked with other successful people where I felt like I had nothing to measure my success to anymore. No rewards, no big deals I just signed, no monetary earnings…nothing.

I realized all these thoughts were because I struggled with a serious feeling and fear that I was missing out. Here I was given an opportunity to pursue any passion I wanted, yet I felt left out of the party, ostracized from of all the events. I felt extremely unsettled I wasn’t a part of it anymore. I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be and made the decision to follow that, yet felt so much discontent and wasn’t sure how to let go.

I believe there is a time and place for sitting still. God reminds us in Psalm 46:10 to “be still, and know that I am God”. Be still means ‘to sink’ or ‘to relax’. The past two years I have wanted to pursue numerous passions, but it was my time to be still and pursue God. I had many emotional ups and downs, but in the end, I was sinking into God’s abounding love, and relaxing into His peace and purpose for my life.

God met me in my still moments each and every day for the past two years. I have sought after God more than ever before, and as promised, “seek me , and you will find me when you seek me with all of your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13) I encourage you to seek God and if you feel lost, keep on seeking. Although the past two years, I have felt I had no purpose and felt very lost at times, my purpose was to not only be a new wifey…but to BE STILL. And that I was. And through out it all, the highs and the lows, I was not alone. God never “left me nor forsaked me”. (Hebrews 13:5). God put purpose on my heart during those still moments, and was preparing me in those still times.

I have had one foot planted in my past career and one foot planted in my future endeavor. Obviously, I wasn’t fully ready or prepared to let go. I was firmly holding onto my past friendships within that career and the security it provided. Furthermore, I was clinging onto my past achievements I had acquired over the years.  How was I supposed to step out of that comfort  zone and jump into the completely UNKNOWN with two feet? No thank you. I’ll continue to sit with one foot in the past and one foot in the ‘hope’ or idea of the new. This is my safe zone. Ok, thanks…byyyye. Ha! Well, too bad I have a God that keeps nudging me and no matter how many excuses I use, God then placed a husband in my life who keeps challenging and encouraging me by telling me that the world is waiting to hear from me. Reminding me that I have a gift that is dormant and going unused.

I love the saying ‘let go, and let God’. Let go of what was, and let God work in what is. My sitting still was the best thing I could have done for this season the past two years to grow and to truly let go. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says “to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.” I knew I had to grow my faith in God in this sitting still season before I could get going on the calling He has for me. I feel more equipped for what’s ahead and I’m ready to let go.

What if when I let go of what I once WAS, it’s then that I can become what I MIGHT be? Perhaps, it’s the letting go and giving God the freedom, room, and uninhibited space to work, that we truly walk into our calling.

So here’s to LETTING GO. Letting go and opening up space to LET GOD be GOD and moving out of the way. And now, it’s time to jump in with BOTH feet and GET GOING. God promises in Matthew 7:24-27 that “anyone who listens and follows me is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against the house, it won’t collapse because it is founded on a rock. But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against the house, it will collapse like a mighty crash”.

It’s been two years ago this month that I left my career. Two years ago this month I left all that I had worked hard for, and all that I knew in my adult life. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared to put my writing out there to the world as my next chapter. But I know that I know that I KNOWthat God has been calling me to write and work with women. It’s time I place BOTH feet firmly positioned on a solid foundation. And build my house on the solid rock of God, that will not be shaken. It’s time I be obedient to my calling. And who better, who greater, who more secure than building my next chapter on God – “my rock, and my shield…Psalm 18:2.

I love what Bob Goff writes in his latest book “Everybody Always” saying that “God continues to rewrite our lives…in beautiful and unexpected ways, knowing that the next version of us will usually be better than the previous one. “ 

I’m not sure what you are holding onto. Perhaps it’s a past relationship. A grudge. A past career. Or perhaps you have experiencing the fear of missing out. Perhaps all your friends around you are getting engaged or having babies and you feel left in the dust. You could be overwhelmed with fear, that it’s preventing you from stepping into the next chapter or dream that you feel God is calling you to. Or you’re holding onto the ‘idea’ of what was or how things are supposed to be. Perhaps as you read this, you can take this as your personal nudge that you need to take the next step of letting go, letting God be God and get out of the way, and get going.

With two feet in, I ask that you join me on this journey as I join you on yours. You got this girl.

Alisha Headley2 Comments

our love story

Allow me to share with you my love story – for me, the greatest title I’ll ever wear will be the one with the title “WIFEY”, and the other (I pray one day – God willing) will be titled “MOM”. I never grew up as a little girl dreaming of all the colors of my future wedding nor did I have my wedding dress already picked out from a young age. Needless to say, I DID end up having the most beautiful dream wedding and I wouldn’t change anything about that amazing day (wedding picture below). Although I never dreamt of the wedding itself, I did always dream of being a WIFEY one day. I dreamt of having a best friend, a partner, someone that I could rock this life with, and someone that would accept me for ALL of me…EVEN my crazy side (the side I tried to pretend that only other girls had but of course not me haha). I love Marilyn Monroe quotes. One of my favorite quotes of hers is “if you can’t love me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best”. And boy is that true…I dreamt of a man that would love me for me as I have so many unique qualities to offer and will strive on a daily basis to be the best wifey I can be for my man. However, I have a crazy mind that is guilty of letting my thoughts run wild (ladies, you know what I’m talking about here haha). My husband always tells me that he wishes he could be in the center action of my brain, because I come up with some wild and crazy stories up in there (HA, I can’t help it). Thankfully, he loves me for all my best, as well as all that crazy at my worst.

I married my teammate just this past year on December 2nd, 2017 in Austin, Texas (the city we met, fell in love, and got engaged). We had a mini-moon to Napa Valley shortly after the wedding tasting all our favorite wines, and then we just had our big vacation honeymoon (picture above of us on the beach) in Kauai, Hawaii. He proposed to me after 94 days of being my boyfriend…engagement photo(He proposed downtown in front of the Austin Capitol and hired a photographer hiding behind a tree to capture this moment – took me by total surpise)Wedding(our wedding day picture – right after we said I DO – I married a STUD) Napa Valley(Our mini-moon to Napa Valley shortly after our wedding. Wine, wine, and more wine)

So allow me to introduce you to my husband Nick – the rarest, nicest, most ambitious, most loyal, most out of this world committed man –

  • He’s RARE. Ladies, he’s a true gentleman. He opens my car door. He dates me and romances me by taking me on dates often and he writes me love letters daily. He called my father not only to ask for my hand in marriage, but to ALSO ask permission to date shortly after we met. Who does that? Old school rare gentlemen. Yes, they DO EXIST.
  • He’s the NICEST guy I have ever met. I am super close to my family, and when I first met my husband and would tell my family or anyone about this man I was seeing, all I kept saying was he is SO NICE. The NICEST guy. And everyone who met him could say the same thing.
  • He’s ridiculously AMBITIOUS. I say ridiculously in a good way. When we were just friends, he always worked hard as I would see him working weekends and holidays…he also has a steller education by graduate school, and spends 3 hours a day reading simply to educate himself. And now that he has a wifey, his ambition is on another level…he inspires me daily just watching the way he is always learning and teaching himself. I admire all his goals and look up to his hard work and ambition.
  • He is beyond LOYAL. He’s loyal to all he comes in contact with – his friends, his work, and his family. He’s a man of his word that you can count on for anything. When he says he is going to do something, he actually follows up and does it. His loyalty to me and our marriage come before anything else. Although he is ambitious and values his work, his loyalty to us is the most important thing.
  • He is the most out of this world COMMITTED man. And this ladies, I find extremely rare. I feel dating is so complicated and hard in the society we live in today. It’s so easy for a man to cut off his commitment one day and then swipe right, and be onto a new girl all in the same day. It’s much easier for men to be single, then it is for them to stick with it and stay committed through all the highs and lows. My man is all in, and committed no matter what.

I feel blessed to have a man like I do. But let me first start of by saying, I didn’t just stumble across my husband, and we by all means are not perfect. I went through many lonely nights, many wrong choices, many hurtful encounters, and many self sabotaging moments where I had to work on myself long before I met my husband.

But something changed my life forever and shifted in me when my older brother was weeks away from dying back in 2013. He was battling a rare form of cancer at an age that no one should be suffering at the level he did. And sadly, we lost him way too soon after a short 7 month battle. Weeks before he died, we shared some really cool conversations together. He encouraged me and told me that he knows I’ll find someone some day, someone that is a man after God’s own heart and that would pursue me, the way God designed it. He told me that everyday I choose to live my life is the type of life and man I am going to attract.

I told my brother that I was angry with his “God” and that his God would allow this to happen. Why wouldn’t he take me instead? I was single with no spouse like him, I had no job at the time, and I had no kids that were going to grow up with no father like his 2 little boys (my nephews) were about to do. If this “God” existed, why would he allow this to happen? I told him I felt God was rude and punishing us and our family for no reason. At this point, tears are streaming down my face as I was angry and hurt that God was taking away such a perfect man and it wasn’t fair.

My brother asked me to sit next to him and he put his arm around me and he said “God didn’t give me this cancer Leash. It’s the sins of this world, it’s the falling of man (ie: Adam and Eve), and that is what brought disease into this world to allow cancer to exist.” He then told me that “God is for us, and not against us, and that God cries with him every single night, and is sorry to see him go through what he’s going through and that God loves him very much,” He quoted a scripture verse “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood (ie cancer in this case), but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12. He said that there is a whole other world of battle out there (spiritual battle), and we have the best leader of all – God — and God is on OUR side.

My brother also told me that God promised him that he would take care of his wife and two boys he was leaving behind and God always fulfills his promises. Whoa. A young 33 year old man who had his entire life ahead of him, with an amazing career (that would end up going public and selling for millions after he died), to a beautiful wife and two beautiful children, a family who loved him, and friends that absolutely admired him, who was about to die suffering in intense pain, and had to say goodbye to the life he built and the dreams that he would never be able to fulfill, was telling ME to not be mad at God and that God is a loving, caring God who is on our team? That conversation changed my life, and that is the day I embarked on a journey to seeking this God…the loving, compassionate God my brother spoke so highly of. I sought God, I found God, and I never looked back. And I’ll be sharing many of those experiences and insights with you through out this blog.

So how did I meet my husband? I met him through mutual friends in the financial industry that my husband and I were both in at the time. I certainly do NOT have the answer to finding a husband (for those of you desiring one). But I will tell you a few things I did prior to meeting my man before my love story began.

  1. I EMBRACED being single. I made reading a habit when I started on this new journey of mine. I used to think reading was for dorks ha its true (sorry to all you book lovers out there). When people used to say that their hobby was reading, I used to scream BORRRINGGGG. However, I turned into a serious self help junkie and now I absolutely love reading books on this topic. I feel like every book out there as a single gal was about how to overcome your past or a bad breakup OR how to find a man and get him to like you, fall in love with you, and never leave you. But there was NOTHING available on how to embrace being single. I never discovered any information on how to enjoy the now and enjoy the singlehood. I felt so many of my friends were focused on being sad about that guy that didn’t ever text them back or be anxious about finding their future husband. For me, I totally EMBRACED the single life. For most people, their single life is just a short period of their life due to the fact that , you have your entire life to be married, but only a SHORT window to be single. So why not enjoy the crap out of it. I enjoyed eating whatever I wanted to eat, sleep whenever I wanted to, travel wherever I wanted to…and not have to care about the well being of anyone else but my own. It sounds selfish, right? Yup. I chose to embrace it. Cnce you do meet your partner, it’s not about just you anymore, as you have somebody else’s life and heart to take care of. So I embraced that part of my life and wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. I encourage you ladies who are single to do the same. My favorite book series I read when I was single was by a gal named Mandy Hale and her book is called “The Single Woman”. I highly recommend.
  2. I LET GO, and I LET GOD. Philippians 4:6-7 says: “Don’t be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace that surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” When my brother passed away, no matter how many well known doctors we brought him to, or how many prayers my family prayed, or how many times he went to chemotherapy, the results were OUT OF OUR HANDS. We had no control nor did the doctors. God had a plan and has a plan for everything. Just as the scripture says…’present your requests to God, and the PEACE that surpasses all understanding (ie MY understanding of how I wanted things to go and how I thought they should be). Ladies, focus on the word PEACE. Do you worry, stress, or think about finding your man? Are you with the wrong man or know you are settling with the one you are not supposed to be with? LET GO and LET GOD take over. “Present your requests to God” and then LET IT GO and be consumed with PEACE that surpasses what you think is best for you. What WE think is best for us may not be HIS best for us. And trusting HIS best, provides PEACE and security knowing it’s under control by God. I feel like it was that moment I truly let go and trusted, that I allowed God to prepare my heart. As a result, God brought my husband to me.
  3. I got CLEAR and SPECIFIC on what I wanted in a partner. Some people might be told they are “too picky”…and lets be real, some of you wish you could draw your perfect man up on a sheet of paper, and then poof, he comes to life jumping off the paper. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and being clear and specific in what you want in a lifelong partner. Afterall, you are choosing to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with that person. But you also need to be realistic. For me, I decided to focus on just 10 specific yet clear things I wanted and didn’t want in a partner. I wrote out a list about a month before I started dating my husband. I still have the list. On the left side of a sheet of the paper, I wrote 10 things I “must have” in a partner and 10 things I “can’t stand”. I realized I can’t find what I’m looking for if I don’t even have the basic things I want or can’t stand living with. And this will look different for every gal. So I encourage you to sit down with yourself and get real with what it is YOU would like in a partner, and write down those things you can’t stand. It helps you get focused and aligned with your desires. I’ve seen some gals that end up “settling” and with someone that they can’t stand being with and they don’t know why. And there may be many reasons for that, but some of that could be they didn’t even know what they wanted in the first place. Get CLEAR!10 things I want in a partner(this is the clear and specific list I wrote a month before I met my husband)
  4. I was OPEN. Be open to that guy that might not be “your type”. This can be from the color of his hair, to his ethnicity, to his hobbies, or the profession you want him to be or not be in. I didn’t even look my husband’s way at first because he was working in my industry. As silly as that sounds, I refused to date anyone in the financial industry because the guys in the industry are not the most respectable guys. Furthermore, the industry is such a small industry. As a women in the industry, I had built a good reputation for myself. With that being said, I refused to date anyone associated with my career. Welp, now I’m married to one ha! I’ll never forgot one of my dear friends talking to me about my husband who I had just started dating at the time, saying how he seems like such an amazing guy, and me saying oh NOO, it won’t happen, he’s in my industry, and she stared at me blankly and said “so what? Give it a try”. I had also heard from countless friends and colleagues how my he is such a great guy and I should “go for him”. Can you imagine if I wasn’t OPEN because I “refused” to date anyone in the financial industry? I encourage you to be open to who shows up in your life.
  5. I got out of my own way. Self-sabotage. YUP! We have all been there. Perhaps we don’t feel worthy enough or we feel ashamed of our past that we don’t feel we deserve an amazing relationship. Or perhaps you have just been hurt and the pain is so memorable that you refuse to feel that pain again. So you self-sabotage things right when they begin to get too serious or when you meet someone you see potential with because you are so afraid of feeling that pain all over again. But sister, you are SO WORTHY of being happy and you’ll never experience that love again if you sabotage it everytime. Relationships bring out things in your life that you may have not even known you had and that’s because relationships cause you to become REAL. Be real with the partner you are with and real with yourself and that may bring up things that you are not ready to face. I had to get out of my own way and this started the moment I started dating my husband and things were moving super fast. I met a guy that seemed “too good to be true”. Things were “too perfect” that I didn’t think it could be real. I didn’t think I deserved that kind of man. But oh ladies, we SO deserve the best. I respect my husband so much because he was SO authentic to me from day 1. He just gave me his heart and we got serious SO fast that I was scared to death and tried running away so many times. I tried self-sabotaging the best thing that ever happened to me. My husband says I broke up with him weekly and I tried running away (which I totally did) and now that I think about it, I still do sometimes ha! Everybody wants happiness, nobody wants pain, but you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain. I had to go get out of my own way, and work through my fears to get to where I am now. I encourage you to get out of your own way.

Thank you for letting me share my love story and life with you. Hopefully I can sprinkle some wisdom on many different topics that are near and dear to me that I have learned that motivates and encourages you in your own unique journey.

XoXo,

Alisha

Alisha Headley6 Comments